I woke up suddenly in bed this morning wide awake. It was sometime after 5:00am, and I was staring at my ceiling. I had some weird dreams, but I don’t remember what had happened. Last night was a blur to me. No, it wasn’t the one glass of rose I had after eating a pizza by myself.
I take a moment to close my eyes. I pull my blanket into me to try and remember, but my mind is blank. All I knew is that the night before, one of my illusions had shattered. Once again. Over love…of course. I’ve always been a romantic of sorts.
Memory creeps in like a fog. I’m remembering now.
I will say this: despite all my “life experiences,” I don’t have all the answers for you. Even as a yoga teacher. Even as a writer; I wish I did. Referencing countless phone calls to my all-loving momma who puts up with my Capricorn tangents of over analyzation: “you don’t need to know all the answers.”
She’s right. And so, that’s half the reason I write.
I write what I know, but I also write to understand the depths happening in my heart, the pulsating echoes of wisdom to carry us through.
And this is what I’m coming to understand.
Do you remember what truth feels like? You’re remembering now. Ancient echoes inside your hollow bones. Generated from some other place that can’t be described. Truth cannot be detected through any meter or scan. It can’t be coded or found within DNA. And that truth…this is your own. It’s your essence. It’s your unique design and plan of why you were born into this world. It’s not similar to anyone else’s.
Truth pulsates in our bones.
It rattles and builds up until there’s an earthquake – sometimes we don’t know what the truth was until the aftermath. And you’re going to feel like everything has shattered – every illusion. Every zone of comfort you’ve known. Everything you thought you knew will cease – and there you are, left in your entirety to rebuild.
This is nothing to run away from: truth trembles and it builds up with a force so strong that it is left with no choice but to shake things up. And now you must return to yourself.. Even if you yourself are shaking. Because this is the beginning of remembering who you are.
Do you remember the first time you were called to come home?
You looked around and felt like this world was something foreign to you. Maybe you were on the beachside, maybe you were surrounded by family who welcomed you into this world.The moment you realize you had run away and had to come back to you was the first time you truly woke up. “Woke,” as they say.
Stay woke. Stay in your truth.
Be aligned with a reality that is more felt than seen in this physical world. When you’ve given it your all and you’ve exhausted the last drop of what you felt was your effort, collapse. Don’t be afraid. Because when you have completely dropped to your knees, something happens. Everything shifts. If you allow it.
Beautiful girl, I think you’ve forgetter you are made of stardust. We are truth. We are carbon. We are the same makeup of stars. We are water. We heal by it (ocean, rainfall, tears). It is okay to cry. It is okay to be angry and let the release move through you.
You allow yourself to rise. You’re a phoenix. Perhaps you were told your heart is too big and it’s worn on your sleeve. Perhaps you feel too much – because you do. You’re an empath, a light worker, a lover. Someone steps one foot within your presence, and you immediately know exactly what it is they’re experiencing and going through.
You know how to love. How to give it, how to feel it. How to open up to it. That’s a gift. There are thousands of people afraid to have courage with their vulnerability. But you understand that.
You’re going to start doing things for you and only you – because the sanctity of your existence has no monetary amount to describe its value. Could it ever? Of course not. You’re a vessel. You’re a channel for any change you want in this world.
You will find you’re a goddess. You’ll start going out alone – and not feel lonely.
You’ll be at a candle lit restaurant with a glass of wine in hand. Perfectly dressed up or dressed down – in your own way. In what feels good to you. You won’t need to anticipate small talk because you are the woman who enjoys your own company. And the next day, you’ll be found at a coffee shop with your newfound favorite book, coffee in hand.
You won’t check your phone because you don’t need to know if anyone’s thinking of you or not. You’ve got your own back. You’re falling in love with yourself for maybe the first time, or all over again. And when you go home to sleep that night, you’re happy to be in your bed alone, to not be next to someone who isn’t all there with themselves.
And when you rise…. you’re going to focus on solidarity. It’s you, coming home to you.
Beautiful girl, your wounds and scars have made you so strong. You’ve felt and seen and heard a completely different side of life. And let these experiences soften your rough edges – I know it’s hard. Sometimes salt stings when it hits the wound. But it’s healing, and healing is not linear. It’s a pathway… maybe an off-beaten path.
But where it leads is to somewhere sacred; somewhere that is not found within the Hawaiian mountains or in a cabin in the middle of the woods. It’s home in your heart. At peace with your mind. Solidarity with you, and only you.
So when this life seems like it breaks you down you have to let the universe, the ethers, the “gold” of life fill those cracks. Let that gold fill in the cracks of what has been shattered; this will come with time and wisdom. You’re going to have a masterpiece when this process is completed, though during, it may not feel that way. The good news is you’re going to feel more alive than you did before. You will hear, see, and feel everything on a different level. Living in true colors.
And if you’re shattered over love… don’t worry. You’re stronger now. Actually, you are a goddess. And they say it takes a warrior to love a goddess. Be patient and wait. Come home to you.
Also published on Medium.