Our world is an ever evolving place and our generation is welcoming it with open minds and hearts. Or at least that’s what we can hope for. Gender is a fluid spectrum, from cis to trans and everywhere in between. Sexuality is as well. The straight and LGBTQ community is diverse and ever changing. No longer do we have to claim we are 100% anything, we are who we are, and it’s a beautiful thing. GenZ is everything, and Metiza is thrilled to share your voice.
Jordan wanted to share her story about her own relationship journey, and dispel some myths about polyamory.
My name is Jordan, and I am in a polyamorous relationship. I have been dating my current partners for over a year, and I could not be happier. While our relationship is not orthodox, as I am part of a polyamorous triad, that does not mean it is any less functional, happy, or healthy than your typical monogamous relationship. If I’m being honest, I would say our relationship is healthier than many monogamous relationships.
However, as with anything that moves away from the norm, people always ask me questions when they find out the type of relationship I am in, and to be honest, it’s exhausting. In the interest of other people who are in poly relationships, I am going to list out the most common questions I am subjected to, and if you ever meet someone in a polyamorous relationship you can hopefully avoid asking them.
Disclaimer: I am in one of the most common types of poly relationships: a triad. Plus, I am new to the lifestyle. Therefore, everything I say is completely subjective to my own experience and how I perceive it. Not everyone in a polyamorous relationship will feel this way or have the same experiences. So, take everything I say with a grain of salt, as being polyamorous is what you make of it.
What is polyamory? Is it like, that Mormon thing?
While polyamorous has been around for centuries, there is still large misconception about it today. Polygamy is often what comes to people’s mind when they hear about it, which is often depicted as a man just marrying a large number of women for religious reasons. Polyamory and polygamy are not synonymous.
There is no one partnership that is more important than the other.
Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for intimate or romantic relations with multiple individuals, with the knowledge and consent of all parties involved. It does not necessarily take one particular form, although I will address that later. It is not a religious choice, but a personal one.
How does polyamory work?
This is a common question, and a complicated question. The truth is, it works any number of ways. What works for me and my partners will not work for another group. For us, we all date each other equally. There is no one partnership that is more important than the other. We just love each other. However, there are plenty of other ways they can form.
Sometimes people date a bunch of different people. For some, there is a couple and they each date different people outside of one another. Others might be in a quad. There are also primary partners, which is where someone has one partner they see more regularly, like a wife or girlfriend, and someone who is their secondary, who they see less.
This is just scratching the surface. The polyamorous community is large and diverse and it cannot be characterized by one type of relationship, so just be careful not to generalize and be open to all of the possibilities.
How does sex work?
Sex works just like sex in any other relationship. People seem to believe that since I am dating two people I am having threesomes all the time. And while yes, it sometimes does involve all three of us, it is actually more one on one than I think most people would imagine, at least in my relationship. An important part of this relationship is the relationship I share with each of my partners individually.
While I am dating two people, I am also dating two individuals who I have individual relationships with. Just as with any relationship I need to foster these. My one partner is straight, and my other partner is asexual and bisexual. So with that in mind, I have more sex with one than the other. So no, it is not all threesomes, and we are not having sex all of the time. But again, this is all based on personal experience.
All partners must be aware of what is happening for a relationship to truly be polyamorous.
Isn’t this just cheating?
I ask you to refer back to the definition of polyamory that I shared. The key word there is consent. All partners must be aware of what is happening for a relationship to truly be polyamorous. They don’t need to know all the gory details, but it is fair and right that they at least be aware if someone else is in the picture. In my triad, we are all faithful to each other within the group.
However, we have also established that if we wish to step outside of the group we must ask, and if permission is not given by both partners we will not act on those desires. While I am likely to not want to be with anyone but my partners, as long as I trust them to be honest with me and ask for my consent, they are not cheating on me.
I don’t think I could do that.
This one isn’t necessarily a question, but I felt I needed to include it because it is something I hear more often than not. If you don’t think a poly relationship is for you, do not enter one. It is as simple as that. There is no need to tell me that. In fact, I probably already assumed so based on your facial expressions or body language. I would also tell you to keep an open mind, though. Before we were official, I told one of my partners this exact same thing, word for word, and now we have been together a year and are deeply in love. So you never know, just be true to yourself.
Also published on Medium.